Let's Beat Dark Souls with The Worst Controller -

 hello how's it going folks let me explain what's going on tonight right thanks to our friends that nameless company which no longer wishes to be associated with this controller i have come into the acquisition of baby albert here it is a baby in a blender that has been modified complete with inputs um i've been given complete liberty to do whatever i wish with this controller from this point on in my life so of course there's only one thing to do with it can you beat dark souls with a baby in a blender we're going to do this and we're going to do it with new game plus of all things too this is a fully functional video game controller all the buttons have been remapped both this baby and this blender so there's this joystick on the back that lets me move my character this joystick on top of baby albert's head lets me move the camera if i press the baby's mount i will do an attack if i crack the baby's neck uh that is you drink some estus but once again if i crack the baby's neck that is how you drink estes this controller is not flawless unfortunately it's also not very safe if i turn it around uh here's a bunch of exposed wiring do not make your own baby in a blender at home i cannot stress that enough only in the ancient legends it is stated that one day an undead shall be chosen let me just get some more estus real quick get a bit more our first goal is to get to the taurus demon now unfortunately to dodge i have to take my hands completely off movement or camera controls and attack i can just bonk people and we might be okay here let me get a cheeky rolling let me let me get a cheeky roll thankfully our weapon is very heavy we're just gonna need to crack the baby's neck a few times god i can't turn okay i am almost dead oh we made it to the first bonfire we're almost that tour i pressed the wrong button thank god poise is completely broken at dark souls one thank god poise is completely broken in dark souls one okay are you guys ready for our first boss oh i dodged it i touched it dodge oh that could have gone better i gotta get the first dodge it swing oh don't lock on wait he's staggered we can stagger him very good very good the problem here is the dragon is gonna breathe fire down let's unlock the shortcut at least hello sir hey run run run it's a river not a dragon who cares but the lore i'm playing this game with a baby in a blender like how does this fit in your lore well the fifth dark soul was uh hidden away inside a small electrical appliance until a small child stumbled upon us gwen actually had a fourth forgotten child that he tried to just get rid of in the kitchen one day it's the nameless king my god we cracked it guys and look it's even like that the two part like he's got the mount and the king is albert wireless no you have to plug him in i'm thinking of installing bluetooth on the child you know that way like you know you could sit back on the couch and play games um but we're not quite there yet no unfortunately there is a long sneaking cable back here do you want to fight the black knight like this just keep swinging just keep life finds away one punch man one punch baby i feel like whenever i'm walking there should be like a guy with a tube of following me just going like i'm being [ __ ] invaded are you kidding me oh no i'm not equipped to deal with this hello paprika no oh my this is embarrassing it's a [ __ ] deck spilled it's always the guys with the decks built that's the cheap build that's cheating you're not allowed to that one god you're so lame real gamers use blenders i need to put like a tiny cushion like right here i'm trying to think what might work this definitely like isn't what this will this thing's intended purpose was uh my friend ty a while back got me a little cupcake plush that might give me a bit of a wrist guard although now i can't see more i have to look past like layers of obscured vision like there's the blender there's the mic there's now the plushie there's my arm and then even when i get to the game screen there's a [ __ ] giant hammer that at any point is taking up like 30 percent of the screen use gilbert to support the wrist this is getting worse at this dinner table like a family meal oh [ __ ] the tower night here all right gilbert you got to move can't see him no get him just get him i can't see for [ __ ] in every hallway oh no there's loads of them no i'm instantly dead this is all your fault use your mic arm to hold the blender they don't design them with this in mind you can't get a mic arm that like you put a [ __ ] toaster on i just got a microwave on this mic arm here in case i need like a hot pocket while i'm streaming that arm looks strong are you sure about that i can do dodge and the other attack without the camera but i need to be up here to find a control camera all right estes fight strong attack into strong attack the fire is all around me i can't see for [ __ ] oh my god get the tail are you kidding me uh daniel can you do the optional extras now like come on you you're barely even trying should i reassign the baby's neck to be dodged now i can do it with both hands and then if i need to use an item i take my hands off this joystick oh oh he's so scary right now okay you [ __ ] me come on i need to get up there that's one that's one where am i where am i no get him oh that's how it's done did i dodge oh my god it's working we're two bosses down let's go the lack of forward movement is really what's hurting me in the fights sometimes i will just try to like walk towards and we're dodge i can't i'd take the controller to get repaired but i don't want to be judged or possibly have the police called first bell cheers to that sure let's learn the gesture

hurrah no press the green button after that that was that was too close for comfort the problem is navigation walking in like a straight line is not my strong suit with this controller it does like to just like project you a direction okay keep cracking albert's neck this stretch remote i'm gonna take off the waistcoat it's too hot in here terms of service there's a child in a blender right now and you call in terms of service for the moment i take off a waistcoat i feel like there's a there's priorities here god forbid to be any inappropriate content on this channel i hope i can beat a boss first try like that would be the dream are you ready alfred okay there we go okay i guess i'm dead there we go all right dodge god damn it it's definitely a harder version of dark souls so people are looking for like a bit of a challenge and all you need is a like a common household appliance and you know one of your siblings toys they don't play with anymore by the way rt rarely swears yeah we mind a [ __ ] language here because there's a lot of [ __ ] kids like god [ __ ] forbid we give her a bad [ __ ] influence alrighty i was trying to tell somebody is that your stream wasn't that bad look if you're trying to recommend my channel to someone tonight let's be real they're going to judge you yeah you know is is this irish like kind of twitch streamer and youtuber oh he plays all these different games you know he's funny and entertaining his humor just really gets my own you know i really just click what he has on show tonight on our team game come on three big swings oh no move move go come on two bells of awakening we're doing it albert we're doing it please don't put me on the list for this stream uh do we go do ceaseless discharge next ceaseless discharge like technically i believe is a baby in the lore should we introduce them to a baby of our own  hey buddy i'm sorry this is where it is you gonna fall he seems kind of just stuck here oh no we got him okay i just like whacking him with my little like cartoon hammer no please sense is probably gonna murder us because that's a place that's all about like running and being fast damn it damn it do not die here come on i need to get back to firelink i don't want to make that walk again i get to hear them chasing i got to be quick here all right he's he's he's coming along for the ride he's got like a [ __ ] piggy back on us right now jesus just poked my head out the door it is not there that's an act of god right there oh no don't kill me oh my god i can't believe we survived that wait is there blades there i can't even see him i can't see him okay i gotta i gotta turn off the lights oh oh my god we're almost at the bonfire okay i'm not interested in the optional extras oh come on bonfire up we're through the worst descent sam you know sounds stuffed up king you okay i actually is quite stuffed up i've been very sick lately i'm doing all i'm doing all right beatboxing quadruple bunk not dead i'm sick bunks a lot of bonkin putting your health first and a baby in a blend i put my health first here and children in the in household appliances we practice self-care that's why there's no children in my home scary baskets we can fault but i think if we get enough bonds we'll be okay a bit worrying just because we could fall but i think we just i mean the strat is basically the same oh oh move not that way oh i'm telling my therapist about this that's my favorite comment about the streams i swear honestly i'm gonna be telling my therapist about this too something's not well made tumble rumble is here to help humble rumble and rumble tumble gonna rumble tumble rumble tumble them up good to have you back bud hello let's get him let's bumble fumble him no that doesn't sound right hit him till he stumbles oh please lord don't kill me come on double rubble oh gotta help him we gotta help him oh no he doesn't need help he's he's dead oh thank you tumble rumble got probably the hardest bot one of the hardest bosses in the game with one of the most ineffective control schemes ineffective you mean innovative it's innovative to use hamsters instead of tires on your car but that doesn't necessarily mean it's great probably wear through a lot of hamsters if you did that oh god okay i i'm not gonna like this that i stagger quite a bit after i swing this weapon there's some inside in the middle there there's some we'll never know please please do not do that thank you come over here run out of knives run out of knives oh please oh thank god we're across they're not dead

[Applause]

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oh god bro oh those are close those are close oh god okay so this is scary bit too of an orlando quite severely worse than it would normally be

[ __ ] hell i gotta go okay that wasn't even the hard pack like it's a lot it shouldn't be that difficult to walk in a straight line rt's worst enemy gravity we haven't got to the higher part twice now oh my god no thanks for retrieving my souls game did you want your last power back did you want your souls there you go there's all zero of them i gotta concentrate okay so there's no time to heal four move forward move forward ah i'm so close funk funk oh oh my god we're in the clear you did it albert we've made it this far this may be where our journey ends ornstein and smoke versus me and a baby and a blender he's not there where is he come on oh come on you piece of [ __ ] first face come on oh my god i'm scared 

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yeah how do you like that hurt stone it move just just walk away slowly  oh come on stagger up oh my god no not like this oh just hit him just hit him

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i couldn't get up in time that was a good first attempt considering the circumstances oh why is smiling out now in the gap no words deep  i don't know if we're gonna be able to  do it again i don't know if we're gonna  be able to do it again can't see i couldn't even see come on

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get him

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phase two stagger him how do you not hit me oh no oh he'll i'm alive come on you piece of [ __ ]  get them art stated smoke is no match for a baby and a blender we did it you did it albert you did it oh my god anor londo has been defeated okay i i gotta stop there for tonight guys my hands are like physically sore from using this controller i can't keep playing tonight

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you